LaDouche Speaks: Part 1

Today's post is part one of the Obamastache Manifesto, by perennial Presidential candidate Brandon Ladouche of Bring Accountability to Government (www.ladoucheBAG.org).  Take it away, good sir:

On April 10, 1912, The Titanic -sailing from the British homeland to their Empirical outpost, The United States- ran aground on the city of Atlantis, which then sank into the sea, setting in motion a chain of events that would one day lead a generation of Germans to follow a charismatic, dangerous homosexual, whose orders came from his talking car, which spoke, as anyone with the intelligence of a child could guess, with a British accent.  I am of course referring to David Hasselhoff, who is known in the decadent US by his alter ego Michael Knight, but is nonetheless in the process of brainwashing the German people using the unique pitch and chord structure of his music, which while not known here in “America” (as it is currently known but not for much longer), is nevertheless continuing to worm its way through the minds of the German people, one of whom is Henry Kissinger.  This toad of a man is clearly certifiably Bipolar (as I diagnosed in 1987, when I created the term and published my findings in the journal Nature, though the edition has been scrubbed from their archives and can no longer be found).  Nature is, of course, run by Tom Selleck, who has for decades had a secret gay relationship with our current sitting President, Barack Obama, which began during their time together in Hawaii, where Obama was attending High School and Selleck was working as a private investigator.  Selleck would roll by Obama’s school in his red Ferrari (which of course did not actually belong to him but to his landlord, Robin Masters, who was an agent of the CIA), and pick up the young Obama, whom he seduced with midnight swims under waterfalls and high-level intel on the Russian campaign in Afghanistan.  Indoctrinated by Selleck’s base sexuality and possessing Soviet secrets which are known only to myself, Obama, and the aforementioned Selleck, the future President (Obama) started down a path of insanity, which has led logically to our current state of affairs, a dysfunctional cycle of violence and depravity begun during the Second Civil War; I’m speaking of course of the REAL Civil War, begun by Mark Twain.   Twain, as is well known in important circles that I travel in, was a pseudonym, “Mark” meaning to observe, and “Twain” meaning the space between two parts of the human body that are best left to the imagination.  “Twain” was known as the author of many trite and small-minded stories about the American South and race relations, but also for his work in physics, where he created the Theory of Relativity and built the nuclear bomb, which was dropped by the United States on Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Tombstone, New Mexico, touching of the gunfight at the OK Corral.